Who am I?

Who am I?



Who am I? They often tell me I would step from my prison cell
poised, cheerful, and sturdy,
like a nobleman from his country estate.
Who am? They often tell me I would speak with my guards
freely, pleasantly and firmly,
as I had it to command.
Who am I? I have also been told that I suffer the days of misfortune
with serenity, smiles and pride,
as someone accustomed to victory.

Am I really what others say about me?
Or am I only what I know of myself?
Restless, yearning and sick, like a bird in its cage,
struggling for the breath of life,
as though someone were choking my throat;
thirsting for kind words and human closeness,
shaking with anger at capricious tyranny and the pettiest slurs,
bedeviled by anxiety, awating great events that might never occur,
fearfully powerless and worried for friends far away,
weary and empty in prayer, in thinking, in doing,
weak, and ready to leave it all.

Who am I? This man or that other?
Am I then this man today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? An imposter to others,
but to me little more than a whining, despicable weakling?
Does what is in me compare to a vanquished army,
that flees in disorder before a battle already won?

Who am I? The mock me these lonely questions of mine,
Whoever I am, you know me, O God. You know I am yours.


I remember reading this poem back in college so many years ago. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote this poem in prison before he was executed in June 1944. What a question, who am I? You would think that approaching the big 60 I would be certain of the woman I am but I still struggle with those same questions. I am not in prison waiting to be executed, but as this poem echoes the struggle that Paul reflected on in Romans 7:24-25: "Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me." I have had over the years some of the same feeling that this man of God had, seeing the different feelings from one day to another. I saw the missionary aunt and uncles that I grew up with in Spain as not having those questions, as being mature and all those questions settled as they went about the ministry God had given them. They seemed to have life all figured out. (Of course as I grew up and looked back I found out that was not so!)

I remember as a single school teacher in Mississippi feeling like there had to be more for me than just going to work, and going to several meetings a week. I left a sure job and went to Liberty Bible College without a job waiting for me there. Though a very risky, scary step, I took it on the promise from God that He would guide my steps. So I went to Pensacola and became a student at Liberty Bible College. I learned many wonderful things those two years and saw God provide for all my needs in the supernatural ways that only He can. I met Steve right after I first arrived. We both came to Liberty fall of 1973. Summer of 1975 we were married and it was the next year that we ended up in Costa Rica on our way to Honduras as missionaries. We had Cristina who was only months old as we left on our trip to Costa Rica for our 6 months stay so that Steve could learn Spanish.

I was just thinking of all the different hats that I have had to wear over the years. It's really amazing all the different experiences that the Lord has brought me through. I suppose if I had known about it ahead of time I wouldn't have believed that it would be possible. It is amazing how the Lord knows all the things that we carry around on the inside, all the hidden talents and capabilities that we don't know that are there.

When my brother John was born I was already 11 years old. I remember getting quite involved with taking care of him. It wasn't exactly like being his mother but it prepared me some for what would later on be my own 4 children.

Later on at 14 I began teaching a class of smaller children at a small church that Daddy helped start in Cornella, on the outskirts of Madrid, Spain You can see me in the back on the right beside my Daddy. I don't remember questioning when my Mother said that they needed me to teach. I just remember planning the class and somehow having things for them to do and enjoying myself in the process. When I began to try to decide what career I might be good at in college those years I had taught made it seem easy to just step in to training to be an Elementary School Teacher.

As a young Baptist girl I got involved with an organization called G.A. as short for Girl's Auxiliary. You could do the work and go from being a Maiden to a Queen Regent in Service. I have good memories all the scriptures that I had to memorize, and all the different things I had to do in order to pass each step. I remember doing a chart of Paul's missionary journeys and having to explain them to the person that was checking off my progress.

Little did I know that the memory work and all the understandings that I was gaining at that time was a solid base for what I would be involved in many years later in my life. When we began working with INSTE which was small groups studying how to be a disciple, doctrine and then getting into the Scriptures.. my early learning was a good foundation for that.

We spent more than 3 years

together studying. We lost some of the women along the way but we continued learning together. One lady became a widow during that time and we all walked through that experience with her. The relationships we formed then were relationships for a lifetime. It was a delight to see the women read the whole Bible for themselves for the first time as we studied Old and New Testament.

After graduating from the first level of INSTE I didn't have anyone that could go on with me to do the second level but in no time we began another totally different group where we met in our home (which doubles as our INSTE office) and I was off on another adventure.

It was an interesting mix of people. Three of us were American Missionaries, one guy was a church and school custodian, one was a single girl who is a Pastor of a small church in a poor area of town, and another girl was the wife of a church in town. Needless to say our times of discussion were interesting. The missionary couple found life too busy with their own responsibilites.. and the custodian found that his work load and the distances he had to travel made it impossible to continue. So Rebeca, Nancy, Steve and I continued till we finished.

Finally the day came in 2007 that we graduated and received our Bachelors in Theology.

I had graduated from Mississippi College with a BS in Elementary Education 26 years ago, but this occasion not only represented all the things I had learned but the relationships that I had made as we reflected on what we were learning. What rich memories!

I remember the five years I worked in the Elementary, High School Libraries as well as the Audio Visual Library in Alliance Academy in Quito, Ecuador. I had to have a job in order to have the 4 kids at school. I remember wanting to work in the library but at that time there seemed to

no opening so I had decided that I willing to clean bathrooms if necessary. I just felt like the kids needed to be in Alliance. Right before the kids would start school I received a call that I was needed in the Library. Talk about the Lord giving you the desires of your heart! Those 5 years were also rich in relationships made as I worked there. For sure when my kids had problems in school I was easy to locate so during those years I had a close relationship with the different teachers involved with my children.

It was a time where I was very busy, but at the same time I also found myself deeply involved with what my kids were doing because I was there seeing it all take place. I went to see all the plays they were involved in almost every time they performed them and was always proud. Anita provided me with the opportunity to see JV Volleyball, Basketball, and Soccer. We mothers cheered the teams on.

How was I to know when I was supervising the games for the birthday parties for my brother John that I was learning things that would later on teach other people as they learned how to work with kids in church. I had learned by practical experience what would work and what would not.

So without trying I found myself teaching people how to work with kids, how to keep their attention, and how to effectively teach them.

I also found myself teaching adults games that they could teach children that would contribute to the lesson on deck for that week. A lot of times I had to teach people to remember what it was like to play, and some who had never really played had to learn how to play.

Back when my Dad and Mother had me taking piano lesson I would never have thought that someday I would actually play in worship or lead others in worship. I sang in groups in High School, even in a quartet but the thought that I would lead others in worship was a thought beyond my imagination. Just to know that others might be listening was enough to make me lose it. However over the years worship just would bubble up out of my heart and before I knew it I was doing it. God is gracious!


I could talk about transalating, speaking, working with a weekly ladies group, and many more things. Who am I really? A sum of all those things and many more. As Peter says it in I Peter 1:3: "Praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is so good, and by raising Jesus from death, he has given us new life and a hope that lives on." I am thankful for that hope that He give me. I am thankful that all the things that I have experienced in my life so far have been stepping stones to other things that I did later on.
As David said in Psalms 139:16, "Even before I was born, You had written in Your book everything I would do." As I learn every day God's truth about myself I am able to be the woman He made me to be. What a hope I have, my past present and future are in His hands!

So now all of my children have left home and three of them are building their own homes. I see them dealing with the same issues that I have and realize that it is all a part of being a human being living in this fallen world.

How easy it is to